“Money doesn’t make you an expert on anything.” —Bernie Brillstein
How did you break into show business? The William Morris mailroom. The mailroom was the greatest. My weight has always been a plus. I look different from most people—separate from the pack. So that was good. I was making friends. Not kissing ass.
Did you think you were going to make a fortune? All I wanted to do was make $25,000 a year. I would’ve sold my soul for that.
Were you eager for success? Here’s what I thought: That I understood show business probably better than my contemporaries and better even than a lot of my bosses at William Morris. It’s in your gut.
Were you afraid of failure? Death of a Salesman scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to grow old and have William Morris fire me. I knew I’d have to form at least a one-man business with a secretary so I couldn’t fire myself.
When did you make your first million? Probably 1975, but 1978 was the big year. That was the year of The Muppet Show, Saturday Night Live, and the Blues Brothers. During that six-month period, I thought I had invented show business.
What’s the best deal you ever completed? Selling The Muppet Show. Because I kept 90 percent of the merchandising for Jim Henson.
Are you still afraid of failing? Look, this past year I produced The Martin Short Show. I believe Marty Short is one of the top five most talented people in this business. But what he does for some reason didn’t translate into the hit I thought it would be. I feel I let him down.
Did you ever make a bad decision? Getting married, the first three times.
What is a vulgar display of wealth, to you? When people think they’re experts on life. That really makes me cringe. Money doesn’t make you an expert on anything.
What bothers you about rich people? I’ve seen them act like pigs. But God has the book upstairs. He’s there with a beard, he’s on the cloud, and if you talk bad to a waiter or stiff a cab driver, he knows it.
What’s the most self-indulgent thing you’ve ever done with your money? Gambled.
What advice would you give someone who is suddenly rich? Get a business manager.
Is there a dream house you haven’t built? No. I’ve had the houses. Every time I had a house in the mountains, I got divorced. Every time I had a house at the beach, I got divorced. I have one house now and it’s just fine. You live out all those stupid things as a young person making it.
What’s the best thing money can buy? Medical attention.
How do wealthy people surprise you? Here’s the way I describe wealth in California or New York: You go to these fancy, formal dinners for whatever the charity is. They give away gift bags and wealthy people fight for them. Who doesn’t like something for nothing?
Do you chase bargains? I had a mother-in-law who said, “When you go on Rodeo never pay what they ask. Say, ‘What’s the real price?’” I tried, and sure enough 30 percent came right off. I was shocked. I’d been paying full price all these years. I thought I was such a putz. But that’s the only time I’ve ever bargained.
Did you give your parents money? My mother died before I had any money. I took care of my father for 25 years. It was the greatest pleasure in my life.
What do you think about all these kids, all the Internet billionaires? I call it Nothing.com. Because I’ve never heard of businesses doing great with no profits.
If you lost it all, what would you miss the most? When you get down to it, it’s a hotel suite, it’s room service, and it’s traveling first class. I swear to God. What is better than getting into bed at 11:00 at night and ordering room service? Club sandwich and french fries. Diet Coke. Extra ketchup. God, the Bookmaker sandwich, at the Dorchester in London. Isn’t it great when they wheel that thing in?
